Sta.sh
Moth
by ~tetemekoToday I called her a moth.
Nobody believed me when I said I didn't mean it as an insult. Moths are disgustingly beautiful animals that you see dead more often than alive. I remember when I thought that moth was just a dead butterfly, a special sound used for ripping the life out of something colorful and bright. The word itself is scornful and thick and comes from Middle English mot, meaning maggot. In Spanish, she would be polilla, which sounds like a dance, and in German, she is Nachtfalter, which is a dance.
I think everyone assumed I meant to insult her because it is true. She is dark and plain, and her hair is fuzzed all over. She smells dusty like our attic, but it is a pleasant smell, like remembering something you've forgotten.
And she would look best covered in leaves.
The sentences flow well enough to me: the choppiness of the third paragraph seems appropriate, as it's relating a bit of tension. I think you're missing an 'a' in "thought that moth" (I'd expect it in single quotes if it's supposed to be like that). You might want to complete the 'which is a dance' with 'by Johann Strauss'--or not, it reads fine either way.
As I said, I like the mood. And the idea; the comparison's definitely intriguing.
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Formerly known as Prin--wait, no, oblivion00
"You are the wind beneath Satan's wings." -*raspil
General Stuff
Your tenses are switching. I get why they did, but its a bit distracting and takes away any flow there may have been. I'd take another quick look and decide if you want this in present or past and make sure it stays there.
I don't like that you began the two paragraphs in the middle in such a similar way. "I don't mean it as an insult." This also takes away from the flow and creates a clunky feeling. That bit should be combined with the bit before, but I'll go into that in a minute.
The last line is amazing. It's utterly beautiful but slightly sinister. I'm not sure why, but I feel like anybody who would compare a woman to a moth is just a touch.. dark. This whole thing feels slightly dark.
Some Specifics (I did not fix tenses in my suggestions below)
Today I called her a moth. Nobody believes me when I say I didn't mean it as an insult.
The first line is wonderful, but it's not strong enough to be in a paragraph of its own. I would suggest combing it with the insistence that it was not meant as an insult. It seems to make more sense that way.
Nobody believes me when I say I didn't mean it as an insult.It does sound1 insulting. Moths are disgustingly beautiful2 animals that you see dead more often than alive. The word itself is scornful and thick and comes from Middle English mot, meaning maggot. In Spanish, she would be polilla, which sounds like a dance, and in German, she is Nachtfalter, which is a dance.</b>31 Sounded. I realize it was done this way for emphasis, but it slows down the thought.
2 I really wanted to love this description but it somehow fell flat for me. Maybe because it seems so mundane and cliche when held up to the shining beacon of brilliance that was "I called her a moth today."
3 This bit was amazing. Don't change it.
I really didn't mean it as an insult, butI think everyone assumed [I meant to insult her]1I didbecause it's true. She is dark and plain, and her hair looks like fuzz.2 She smellsasdustyas[like] our attic3, but it is a pleasant smell, like remembering something you've forgotten.First up, these are just suggestions really. I struck out the Insult bit because I think it doesn't need to be stated twice.
1 A suggested insertion and rewrite to make the beginning of the paragraph stronger.
2 I'd like to see this rewritten in a more flowing manner. Perhaps her hair was fuzzy, or some other thing that puts us more in mind of the fuzz on the wings than .. well, this mildly weak description.
3 Too wordy, slows it down. It can easily be cut down without losing the wonderful imagery.
I Love love love the last line! It is absolutely strong enough to stand on its own.
Great work, hon. Hope this helps.
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"Don't tell me that the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." Anton Chekov
Sorry for the wait, I really did appreciate your critique. I've been very sick, and didn't want to half-ass a comment back.
First off, you must know that you're one of the people I admire most on deviantART, and everything I get from you is a gift.
1. After revising, I think I've fixed any tense problems that might take away from the flow.
2. I had issues with the phrase 'disgustingly beautiful' from the start. In fact, I hate it. There's not one redeeming aspect to it. I have yet to come up with a replacement or find a way to take it out without affecting the piece, but I agree.
3. All those lines about insults are, indeed, redundant. I much prefer your suggestion and hope you don't mind that I use it instead. When I wrote this piece, I actually wrote two versions: paragraph one and paragraph two. When I did combine them, there were just so many 'insulting' lines that I couldn't even handle them all!
I have revised this piece with all of your help in mind and eventually I will update it here on deviantART. Most of all, I'd like to comment on how clear and easy it was to read your suggestions the way you formatted them for me.
Thank you for your help!
I can't wait to see the updated version and I hope you feel better soon. ♥
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"Don't tell me that the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." Anton Chekov
Anyway, I don't find it really choppy. Maybe it's less strong than your usual piece, but I think this one has is own flow and his own meaning. And I find it tender and cute, IMHO!
Last lines of the second paragraph are my favourites: full of a gentle pathos.
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› ¤ ‡ Camilla ‡ ¤ ‹
06/02 => DD
07/02 => DailyDeviant's feature
Or it could be used as an insult, relating to how moths are simple enough to mindlessly follow something bright and shiny...like a bug zapper.
Eh. Enough of my musings. Interesting free-write. ^_^
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Sketch Comics INC: [link]
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Sketch Comics INC: [link]
I like to describe people in ways that wouldn't be the norm. Sometimes someone is just "moth." Or just "honeysuckle." Or just "sky blue."
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You know you love =lucylking
"...smells as dusty as our attic..."
I don't know about you not putting any comedy to this, but that did make me chuckle quite a bit. I suddenly have the urge to call the next girl I see a moth.
Anyways, I like this, even if I never knew what etymology meant until now - I had to look it up actually.